*Spacegirl*

 

“What would you do if I were to go to space?” She asks. “Like becoming an Astronaut?” She nods. “I don't know, go for it I guess, the training would be hard though.” “Would you miss me?” “Probably, I guess we could figure this all out while you go through the training, it’d be a long process, you know that, right?”

She shakes her head. “That's not what I meant.” Sam looks confused. “What did you mean?” The girl repeats herself: “Would you miss me if I were to go to space?” Sam shrugs: “Probably yeah, but I want to support your dreams.” Liv: “What if it wasn't my dream? Like I’d get abducted by aliens tomorrow.” “That would suck. I want you to live your best life and also yes I love spending time with you, I don't think that would be possible after you got abducted by aliens.”

Liv's eyes turn big: “Really?” Sam shrugs: “I don't know about the alien part, but I do love spending time with you and if going to space means I can't do that anymore, then yes: I would really miss you.” Liv smiles.

Later that evening Liv and Sam are hanging around by the lake. It is summer, the sky still shines bright and the weather still allows for skimpy clothes. They are chilling on a blanket. Val, Miranda and Peacock are there as well. Snacking foods, listening to trance, just another Tuesday evening.

Liv is thinking about spaceships again. Someday she wants to build her own rocket and fly into space. Just floating around the void. Quietly. Peacefully. Counting stars.

“Liv? Hey Liv, are you still with us?” “Sorry, I was just daydreaming a little…”

Val is free tomorrow. So she suggests going to a bar later. Miranda and Peacock decide to skip their classes tomorrow. Sam has to go home, they can not skip work casually. “But feel free to join the others if you want to, Liv.”

“Okay”

 

Bars are always so noisy. Liv had a hard time following what the others were talking about. It was something about a drama between Viccy and Peacock. Liv was mildly interested. She tried to participate, but it was so noisy, slowly she drifted back into space and felt all the more present again. She glides through a curtain of dust. Space dust. At some point she is too tired to glide. She sets the ship into autopilot and swims from the cockpit towards the cabin. She looks out of the window and realizes that all the stars shine brighter when you are in space.

 

Sam has made herself ready to go to work. But had not already left, when Liv came back home. “How was it?” Liv yawned: “It was nice, but I'm tired now.”

At night the space girl is dreaming about her space life. Suddenly the void is not as empty anymore. There is a harbour now. A narrow moon station. A neon wall of cyberpunk life. Liv lands her ship. There are pirates, explorers, mercenaries and merchants trading all kinds of stuff from rare resources to alien pets. She drags herself through colourful crowds, admires the extravagant outfits, looks at the small, but gorgeous shops and buys only the necessary parts and resources, then she comes across a suspicious merchant with a secret task: Liv receives a chest to be delivered to a planet far far away.

 

“How did you sleep?” Sam had already returned from work when Liv got up. “Good, how was work?” Sam bubbled up. Work seemed really stressful.  Liv wanted to be there for them and listen actively, but also felt uneasy. After Sam went to bed, Liv took off, back into space. The chest is big and heavy made of steel and copper, but still there is something weighty inside. She stored it under her bed in the cabin. She takes a look inside. Bedded into red silk there lies an egg. It is brown, shiny, a bit like the copper on the chest. But the shell is not smooth. It is wrinkly. Liv is scared to break it if she were to touch it, however it feels like there is heat radiating from the egg. It seems to have a pulse. Liv forgets about time while she stares at her precious gift.

 

“What did you do during my nap?” Sam asked. “Not much… just daydreaming, I guess.” “Sweet.” And after a short break they added: “I'll make myself coffee. You want some as well?” “Sure”

 

Breakfast, then there was a doctor's appointment. Waiting in the waiting room. Liv is looking for the egg one more time. It is gone. “Shit!” She wanted to search the cabin but got interrupted by past chores down on earth.

“Ms. Graustein, please.” The Doctor checked her pulse, then talked a bit at her, also there was blood to be taken, then she got the recipe and headed back into space. She finds the chest open in the storage room but no egg. There is some grey crusty slime and some of her liquor is gone. She chooses to take care of this later and heads back to the cockpit.

 

In the evening she and Val had a date at a café. Liv headed there from the doctor's appointment. “How was your doctor's appointment?” “Nothing special, just routine, you know?” Val nodded. Liv wanted to head back into space. She had to look for the egg. What has happened? But now she was with Val, the space had to wait. ”How was your day?” She asked. Val: “Nice, I slept till noon, had breakfast, did some chores and then headed here.” Val was drinking black coffee, Liv was drinking green tea. They talked a little more about social stuff, a project that Val was working on and plans for the weekend. Then they paid their bills and headed back to Val’s place. Finally Liv could go back into space. She keeps searching the ship. They were watching some video essays down on earth. There is some more slime in the vents but still no egg. Things were getting a little more intimate down on earth. Liv is looking in the bathroom, under the bed in the cockpit. Val leaned in for a kiss. Liv gives up her search for now and shifted her focus back on Val. 

 

“How was it at Val’s?” Sam asked the next day? “Good, nothing special.” Liv had gone to bed after Val had already slept for a longer time. Liv spent the whole night searching for the egg. Everywhere. In the engines, outside the ship, even in the water tanks. She is concerned. “Nothing special?” Sam asked smirkingly. “I mean we talked a little, watched videos and then had sex, the usual.” “I guess…” Sam seemed to be put off by Liv’s phrasing. “I mean it was good, I guess I’m just a little tired right now…” Sam replied: “Fair enough. How about a nap? We could still talk later.”

A nap sounded good - back in space she steers the ship, till she has an idea: Liv goes back to the storage room, now round about half her liquor is gone. She takes the rest, pours out one glass and puts it on the floor, right in the middle of her cabin, the rest she takes to the cockpit.

Liv focuses on steering the ship for a while and then goes back to the cabin. Bingo! The glass is empty, she fills it up again, puts it a little closer towards the cockpit and leaves. A loud noise. Mixed with a muffeld screamed: “Fuck!” Liv looked at what happened. Sam had dropped a plate. “You good?” “Yeah I'm fine, did I wake you up?” Sam went down on the floor and collected the remains of the plate and her snacks. “Can I help you?” “Nah, it's fine. I got this.” After throwing the bigger pieces in the trash, she got the broom and continued her cleaning. “So how was your nap? Sorry if I woke you up, is there anything I can do for you?” “Is there really nothing I can help you with?”

“I mean if you want to, you can fix up some fruits. That was the snack I was going for.” Meanwhile she got a sponge and finished cleaning. Liv cut up some bananas, apples and oranges. She got two plates and forks and gave one to Sam. “Yeah sorry for all that, you want to eat on the balcony?”

The balcony was really narrow, but big enough for two people and one small table and at least you could sit in the sun without going down all the stairs. “So, back to it: how was your nap? I don't think you have already said, whether I woke you up?”

“It's fine, I wanted to get up anyways and I feel a little better; more sleep would probably have made me tired again." “Okay, nice.” “How are you doing?” “Also fine, work was less stressful then the day before and after that I did some painting after my post work nap.” “That sounds good.” Sam looked Liv close in the eyes for a few seconds. There was concern in their eyes. “You seem a little spaced out as of recently. Are you sure you are doing all right?” Liv just shrugged: “I don’t know… I don’t feel too bad… Maybe it is just the weather?” Sam nodded. “Just tell me, when there is something I should feel concerned about. You know?” Liv nodded. After last winter Sam was more concerned about Liv than usual. She could not blame them. “How about we do a chill day today without leaving the house… But with ordering food?” Liv liked the idea. She felt like she has had a little too much on her plate the last few days. At least too much in terms of how much she was able to handle.

The day was fun. Mostly they were just watching TV. At some point they were doing a little painting which Sam was much more skilled at of course. Then they were ordering at a vietnamese take out and it was the best food Liv has had in a long time. It was a long time that Liv has spent on earth. She feels present again, but as soon as Sam falls asleep Liv could not do the same and she decides to go to the balcony. The sky is clear, there are even stars to be seen and the air is still warm. Liv just sits there, looking up at the stars and then she is back in her cockpit.

She gasped quietly. There was a thing in her lap. It looked like a red baby. A very slimy red baby. A very slimy red baby with hair and snakelike limbs. Breath. She tried to be calm. This was the cargo she had to deliver. She now had it again. That was good. Her journey was halfway done and she managed to get ahold of her cargo again. This was good. She had a job, a well paid job and she was doing the job. She would be able to keep flying through space after she had reached her destination. THIS WAS GOOD. There was only one problem though. She could not quite lay her finger on why that was the case. But for some reason - some fucking stupid reason - the cargo that she was supposed to deliver - up in her dream of space - this cargo reminded her of Him.

 

“Did you sleep on the balcony?” The sky was bright, there was only one star to be seen. One bright big star. The night was over. “I think so, yeah.” “Was it comfortable?” Her back was aching. “No.” Sam laughed. “Next time you should really try sleeping in a bed and cuddling with me. I am quite comfortable.” “I did not plan on falling asleep on the balcony!” “You must have been really tired.” “Seems like it.” Liv’s mood was not exactly great this morning. Luckily Sam did not ask any more questions. Falling asleep on the balcony seemed to be enough explanation as to why Liv was so moody. They drank coffee and ate breakfast. Sam was taking a shower. Liv did not dare to go back into space so she did some chores. Sam was surprised by that and took it as if Liv was maybe really doing better after a chill day. Every Friday morning Sam goes for a run. Liv asked whether she could join this time, hoping it might take her mind off things. It works surprisingly well. The less air she has in her lungs, the more present she feels down on earth and suddenly space seems so far away. Sam is surprised how well Liv can keep up. Liv is just happy to fill her mind with exhaustion instead of anxiety.

“I did not expect you to have that much stamina!” Sam and Liv are sitting on the balcony again. Sam has made smoothies for both of them. “Still out of breath?” Liv nods. “I have to say, the last few days it was looking like you were doing worse again, but today you seem to be doing quite good. Am I right?” “I was just being more active again.” “Yes, but that is a good thing, right?” “I guess…” Liv was a little ashamed of her space adventure. It felt stupid to tell Sam about that. Deep down she knew what she had seen was a bad sign, but she felt stupid for it. Also Sam liked to see her happy. Even if Liv was not always quite there she liked to pretend happiness for the people that appreciate that. It made her a little happier to see the people around her less concerned. And they want her to be happy, right? Why be honest, when everyone is just a little more sad about the truth? Liv smiled.

 

Later that evening there was game night. The usual circle met up for one or two boardgames. This month's game was a space colonization game. Liv got lost in all the mechanics and could not focus right. She played it off by acting like she was just roleplaying in a chaotic style. After the fourth round there was a short break. Liv was in the bathroom. Space was screaming for her. Her version of space was very different from the one in the boardgame. Less cartoony, more empty. She did not want to go there, but when she looked in the mirror, she saw the insides of her ship. Her hands were covered in that gunk. It was not grey anymore but shining in a dark orange. She could feel it pulsating on her hands. She tried to brush it off, but it was sticky. 

Where was that alien? It was not with her. In a vent behind the cockpit Liv found some of the skin the creature had to have shed off. Was it growing? “Liv, everything okay in there?” “Yeah, one moment.” Liv was back on earth. The mirror was normal again. Breath. That was a good thing after all. She finished washing her hands and everybody got back to playing.

“I hope it did not make you feel misunderstood, when I assumed you were doing better earlier?” Sam and Liv were on their way home. Boardgaming had gone on for quite a while. It was past ten now. “No, why would I?” “I don’t know, I just want you to be open with me about how you are feeling and I am not in your head after all.” “But that’s exhaustiiiiing.” Liv tried to make light of the situation while also being honest. “I know it is, but it still is necessary sometimes.” … “I know that, I will try my best, but I am a little tired right now.” Sam sighs: “Whenever you need something I am there for you.”

 

Liv’s sleep that night was restless. She found herself running through the ship, breathless. His voice was everywhere. Laughing out of the ventilation system. Mocking her. Not even for a moment she did dare to stay still. The ship was no longer hers. It belonged to Him. Orange slime was pulsating everywhere. Liv tried her best not to slip but lost control over her body eventually. She should have killed him when she had the chance. Would it have changed anything? While they both were in the cockpit, could she have killed him there? Would he just have found a way back on the ship like he did before? She wondered what it would take for her to kill him.

 

When she woke up, she was puzzled. The bed was wet from her sweat. It was so hot in His ship and all the running made her body lose all the water. Sam was still asleep. She did not want to wake her up. If she was awake, Liv might have told her about the dream, but she wasn’t and so Liv decided to drink a lot of water and make breakfast for the both of them. By the time she was done her dream already was half faded. She is hungry and impressed by herself for how good of a breakfast she has prepared. “That smells good…” Sam is awake now. They sat down in their living room. Unfortunately the balcony is not big enough for that kind of meal. Sam takes a bite of the french toast. “I gotta say, you really know how to prepare breakfast.” Liv smiles, this time it is earnestly: “I should take the time for that kind of thing more often.” “I mean I would certainly enjoy that.” They finish eating and then Sam gets a call from work. “Do you mind if I work later?” Liv shakes her head. Apparently Liv is needed elsewhere. They decide to go on a walk till then and have some fruit and go picnicking. At their workplace Sam parted ways with Liv and Liv was alone again. The memories from her dream last night came back up again and so she had a very stupid idea. Before that she decided to stop by a supermarket to get some groceries. Just stocking up on the basics.

Back at home she returned to her stupid idea. She wanted to head back into space, just to convince herself that it was not really Him. The ship is quiet again. The slime all dried up, making the ship look like it is stitched together with glue. She looks at the autopilot. It is shut down. Blackscreen. Is she at her destination? She looks out the window however she sees nothing but void. Dark, empty void. There also is not a single sound to be heard. She tries to start up the engine in order to look into the navigation system. She wants to know where in this nowhere exactly she is. Nothing. The engine does not seem to work anymore. Curious, she steps out of the cockpit. If it was not for the crusts of the slime, she thinks, there would be nothing telling her that anything has happened here. She wanders a little more across the space ship and continues to find nothing. Then she decides to get back down to earth and prepare some lunch. She feels a sense of bliss back on earth. It is as if the nightmare has just ended. She might just go about her day in peace and forget that this little adventure has ever happened.

She prepares soy-stripes with rice, broccoli and a sweet chilli sauce. She texts Sam when they would be home and whether she should prepare food for her as well. After the rice has cooked, she puts it into a pan and fries it just a little. Sam has not answered her at that time. Meanwhile she warms up the sauce and steams the broccoli. Just as the stripes were done backing everything else was finished up as well. She takes one more look at her phone. A message from Sam. She will not be home soon, work seems to be a lot right now. Poor Sam, she thinks.

Liv has to eat in solitude. Poor Liv. She is quite good at being by herself normally. She likes her thoughts and does not get bored easily. There is one exception though: Whenever Liv feels uneasy she suddenly prefers company. That was the problem. There still was this lingering sense of uneasiness. It went away for a short moment, when she found the spaceship to be lonely again but now that she has been sitting with herself for a while, the discomfort kept creeping back into her. The ship might seem empty for now, but was it really? She was all alone in a ship without any power. The slime was still crusting around and she never really saw Him leave. What if He came back and she was still all alone in here? Where was Sam?

 

Liv decided to go for a walk.

 

Outside it was still warm and the sun had not quite sunken yet. Late summer evenings. There was a fresh breeze running between the tall towers of her area. A few dark clouds were looming on the horizon. A storm may or may not be brewing up. Liv felt alone as she was walking through a mildly crowded park. There were dogwalkers, teenagers and pensioners. Liv did not feel a connection to any of them. What she was feeling instead was the pull from space. Turbulence that required her attention. The ship was shaking as if it was captured in a typhoon. Except there are no typhoons up in space. This was weird. She looked around the cockpit and realized the gunk was all moist again. It was humming and shimmering in that dark orange teint again. “Oh, no…” She was not safe here. She  had to get back down to earth. Was that still possible? Was there a path for her? She snuck her way out of the cockpit, through the corridors? Have they gotten wider? Her target was the cargo room. Her spacesuite was there. If she could only leave this godforsaken ship, she could leave Him.

Liv, honey? She heard His voice on  the ship again. Where have you been? She stood still. Trying not to make a sound. I have been looking all over for you, but it seems that you have abandoned me! As quiet as possible she once again tried to make her way to the cargo room. I am lonely. She did not believe a single word out of His mouth. Don’t think I will let you abandon me again! Breathe! Just breathe! You owe me your love! Liv felt the heat increase on the ship. It was like a  human body suffocating from a heavy fever. She must get out of there before He would burn her with it. Why do you keep ignoring me? Breathe, Liv, you are almost there. I deserve you! She was now at the door. It was closed. She tried to open it as quietly as possible. And you deserve me!

She gasped out loud. The cargo room was an organic thingy. The walls were fleshy and pulsating. Loose cables have turned into open veins, losing blood all over the room. Lockers were made of bones and squeaked loudly as they opened and closed again. The most notable thing off it all was the lightbulb. It used to just hang down through one cable from the ceiling. Now there was an eye the size of a bowling ball hanging from a few loose nerves. Aching, it turned upwards looking directly at Liv: Gotcha, bitch!

She closed the door and started running again. Now the whole ship was alive. The whole ship was Him. She kept running but the corridors were getting longer and longer. Muscles were stretching. This monstrosity seemed to grow infinitely.

Then there was a door. Not a door, more like one giant constrictor. It stank like a rotting corpse. Was there an exit? Liv did not see a better option. She decided to climb through this disgusting hole.

Where are you going? The muscle pressed together tightly, trying to prevent her from getting through. Stop hurting me! Liv started to feel bad for Him. We belong together! This was a hell of His own making, not her responsibility. She just had to get out of there. You belong here! No squetching could hold her back anymore. She was fighting like her life depended on it. Trrraitorrrrr!!!!

 

Then suddenly she was falling back to earth again. Like a bird she was looking down from above. Liv spotted her own body walking down the street. She had gone pretty far from home in the meantime. She was now near a train station. More precisely, she was standing on top of a bridge above a train station. Liv  realised that she did not control her body. She was just looking down on herself from a bird’s eye view. What was her body doing down on earth? Liv decided that she wanted to go home.

She tried talking to her body however she also had no voice. She could only look down on herself and watch as her body was looking down the bridge across the trails.

 

Her phone started ringing. 

Suddenly Liv is back in her own body. It is Sam. “Hello?” A crying voice of her friend answers: “Ohh god, you finally picked up, where are you?” “I had gone on a walk…” “Dear… Are you alright? I was worried about you. You did not answer any of my messages and you did not pick up my calls!” Liv sighed: “I don’t know…

I feel like the past few days I have lost touch with the earth a little. It was all just so much down here. I just needed an escape.” “An escape?” “Yeah, a little place for myself…” “Did you find it?” “Kind off. It was not as sweet as I hoped it was.” “Hey, Liv, you know if you ever need space, I can help you with that, you just need to communicate with me.” 

Liv sighs: “I know, Sam. I’m sorry.” Sam sighs back at her: “If you give me your location, I’ll come and pick you up.”

“Okay.”

“On the way we can get some Kebab, sounds good?”

“Sounds very good.”

Liv puts down her phone. She sighs. That felt good. It felt good but Liv also knows that this would not be over with that one conversation. 

She takes a deep breath and she screams in the night:

 “FUCK YOU, I AM FREE!”